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 Horseback Riding

A blonde decides  to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior  experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and
the horse immediately  springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but  the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
  
In terror, she  grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries  to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she
slides down the horse's  side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping  rider.

 
Finally, giving  up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way
from the horse and  throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has
become entangled in  the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her  head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is  battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness  when to her great fortune.....

Frank, the Walmart  greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
 
And you thought  all they did was say Hello.

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the di fferent treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

The Inspector

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.
See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind
is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher
immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him your card!'

 The Lawn Mower

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a
little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the
little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my
bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding
the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a
deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the
rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the
little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it
started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a
Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling
on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

Smart Dog

An old tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, into the kitchen, and onto a couch.
An hour later he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar, "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar, "He lives in a home with ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over."
The old rooster says,
"I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!

Fishing Sweater

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the
following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be
able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise
my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife
that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to
promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for
her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the
fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it
went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge
and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear a
sweater."

Good News and Bad News

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day
Barb said, "Rose, we both loved riding horses all our lives. Please do me
one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's
horse back riding there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for
you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a
blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb ."

"Who is it ?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb - - it's
me, Rose." "You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are
you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's horse back riding in Heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and
it never rains or snows. And we can ride all we want, and we never get
tired. Best of all... our old horses are all here too, young and strong and
beautiful as ever."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're scheduled to lead the trail ride up here next Tuesday."

Baptizing a drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks
the drunk, ?Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him
in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you
found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at
the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again
pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my
brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven' t found Jesus.' By this time the
preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- -
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his
parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that
someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote
'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in
the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday,
he found that his card had been returned. Added to it
was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he
broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20
begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis
3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked.'

Four Worms and a Lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service...

Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been th! ere for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Paying Attention

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.  'The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, with drew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and then sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid!!'